I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
