Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
