I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
