Your tits are I can't wait for
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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