i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
