6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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