The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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