After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
