She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
