So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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