Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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