I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
