dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
