I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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