I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
