if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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