Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
