Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
