Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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