Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Success! We fucked roommates!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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