I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
