I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
