apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think my moral compass just broke
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
