sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
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Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The Olympian is in my bed
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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