Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
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There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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