Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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