he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
