how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
