so that wasnt chicken after all
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
