I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
