There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
