roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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