How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
