She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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