You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
