Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
