o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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