I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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