i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
