i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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