genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
