i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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