Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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