And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
