Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
