Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
