where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
