I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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