what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
