You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
