Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
