Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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