God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
