how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
