Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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